How I Spent My Summer Vacation

​My first vacation in many years was pretty low-key, but that was good because I want to make this a habit and I don’t want to fuck it up. Start with three days and work up from there.
 
Time off scares me. It scares me because it means I’m not making any money but it also scares me because I have a very serious problem with not doing anything. I went to see my shrink last month because it felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I couldn’t slow my brain down. At one or two o’clock in the morning I’d be wide awake, watching tv, doing a crossword puzzle, listening to NPR, watching Netflix on my computer, checking Facebook and texting somebody on my phone, and organizing my clothes.
 
I figured I was just being manic, but Katie asked me all kinds of questions and after an extremely long session, diagnosed me as having ADHD, on top of my manic depression. I now have bipolar disorder with a side of ADHD.
 
I always thought ADHD was something for fifth graders so it seemed odd that she would look at me like some big, gray haired kid who couldn’t sit still. She said I should try aderall. It took her a while to convince me to try it.
 
I’ve been on lithium for many years and I think it really helps. It makes my highs less high and my lows less low. It’s like going from the Cyclone at Coney Island to the kiddie ride at the State Fair. Doctors have given me depressants to control my mania and stimulants to control my depression, but only lithium has helped.
 
About a year ago, I went in to see Katie because I couldn’t stop thinking about suicide. Not so much the act of it but more just being done with everything. Over and out. She put me on wellbutrin, and now I don’t really think about it very often.
 
And now she has me on aderall. I really didn’t want to be on another drug, especially something I’ve heard can be recreational. But she told me that it only gives you a high if it’s not clearing out your synapses, or whatever. If you have ADHD you’ll notice your brain calming down. If you don’t have ADHD, you’ll feel a high.
 
I told her I’d start off slow and she put me on a low dosage. I didn’t feel anything and after a few weeks she upped me. I would now take a slow release in the morning and a regular pill in the afternoon.
 
The prescription was ready on Friday and Saturday, the first day of my vacation, would be the day I upped. I rented a car on Friday so I could get a good start the next day. I held out hope my friend Lori would join me, but she’s worse than I am at recreating so I wasn’t surprised when she bailed.
 
So I went up Mt St Helens myself. It’s a beautiful ride, and I highly recommend driving up in a Nissan Murano, which Enterprise gave me when they didn’t have any compacts. I thought of naming the car Alyssa Murano, but naming cars is stupid.
 
The car had a USB port and when I plugged my phone in to charge it, my playlist came up. I had just replaced my phone the week before and I only downloaded the songs that meant the most to me. About fifty.
 
Music has always been very important to me and there are songs that give me a visceral response. Fly Into the Sun, by Lou Reed, which I find beautiful. Chasing the Night, by the Ramones, which makes me feel good. And Dust Devil, by the Butthole Surfers, or Kerosene, by Big Black, which I listen to when I’m down. Those two songs are like triggers to me. I listen to them over and over again when needed.
 
I might have preferred to be on a bike, but it was pretty comfy in the car. On the way back down the new dosage of aderall kicked in and I was glad that I was by myself. I enjoyed the music as much or more than ever. I heard words that I had missed for years. I felt like I could think about one thing at a time.
 
That night took in some local color (which is to say I got drunk in a dive bar) and the next morning I went to see the Wicked Tinkers, one of my favorite bands ever, at a Scottish Festival in Kelso, Washington, in the heart of Trump Country.
 
I went down there because I hadn’t seen the Tinkers in a few years, but also to show Aaron the latest set of bagpipes I made. Since I started making bagpipes, I was fortunate to know Aaron, who enthusiastically encouraged me to make wild looking bagpipes. He loved my first set, the Guinness pipes, and helped me get them tuned in. And then over the next ten years or so, he tried all my new bagpipes. Of all the dozens of bagpipers I’ve foisted my pipes upon, Aaron was the only one who has embraced them unconditionally.
 
I showed up this Sunday with a set of PVC pipes, as detailed in the latest version of my cookbook, and the Pictish War Pipes.
 
I’ve never known what to make of the Pictish War Pipes. It’s a bagpipe with only two drowns (like traditional war pipes. A second tenor drone is frivolous under enemy fire), but the bass and tenor drones are full sized human legs. They are painted with blue woad and covered with Pictish tattoos.
 
Aaron loved the Pictish pipes, but it’ll probably take a while before he or I have any idea what the hell to do with them.

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