​I was going through a pretty rough time about six years ago. I was manic and not sleeping for days at a time. I didn't have much work and that's never a good thing for me. I need to always be working. Always.

I went on CraigsList and saw an ad that said, 'Do your friends think you're crazy? Has anybody in your family ever tried to get you committed? Well, then, you should be a Duck Captain!'

I became the grumpy Scotsman, Captain Braveliver, who was heavy on the history, didn't sing or dance, and didn't do any quacking games. The people that got me thought I was hilarious. The people that didn’t sent in complaints. Now we have a driver and a tour guide and I just drive, which is fine, because believe it or not, driving a WWII-inspired amphibious vehicle through downtown Seattle and out onto the busiest fresh water lake in America is WAY less stressful than entertaining 150 people who are all expecting something different. 
 
A few years ago Ride the Ducks did a Holiday Tour, a land-only 40-minute tour out of Westlake Center that toured the Christmas lights Downtown. It was supposed to be singing Christmas carols or whatever, but they let me do the tour as Frank, a department store Santa who hated Christmas and hated kids. 
 
After all the passengers were loaded, I would come up the stairs yelling, ‘HO HO HO!! Merry Christmas!! Oh, what FUN!!’
 
Then I’d pause for effect and take off my fake beard and confess, ‘Okay, I’m not really Santa. My name is Frank at I work at Macy’s.’ Then I’d pull out my fake belly, which was a hemorrhoid pillow, and put it on my seat. ‘Look. I’m just one of Santa’s helpers. Santa’s busy making toys up at the North Pole so a bunch of us are down here filling in for him. We’re all members of BFD (Bearded Fat Dudes) Local 86, United We Santa!’ I’d say throwing a fist in the air. ‘Oh, wait, you need to be facing North when you say that… United We Santa!’
 
I’d drive by Nordstrom and I’d yell, ‘Hey kids! Who’s that?!?’ They’d all yell, ‘SANTA!’ and I’d say, ‘…nooo, that’s Larry! I told you, Santa’s still up in the North Pole! Hi, Larry! United We Santa!’
 
I drove my mostly un-amused passengers around for 40 minutes bitching about how Christmas has gotten too religious and then I’d try selling them on Scottish Buddhism. I know I got a lot of complaints and I didn’t make any tips AT ALL, but it was fun. 
 
We ran tours a couple days after Christmas so I went to the Goodwill and got some surfer shorts. Frank was going to Hawaii, baby! But there wasn’t a very good selection of shorts in December so I had to get a pair that was about five sizes to small. They were so tight I couldn’t button them or even wear underpants. I made my way up to the front of the duck and did my whole, ‘HO HO HO! Merry Christmas!’ bit when the shorts failed and almost exposed myself to a bunch of kids and their grandmothers. At the end of the tour I carefully made my way to the back and dropped the stairs but didn’t bother going down first to accept tips. 
 
 
I have a friend who photographs kids with Santa and she hooked me up with the guy who places Santas all over the Northwest. They make a shitload of money and parents will love me ‘cause I’ll talk kids out of being materialist little shitheads. It was too late to do it this year, but next year…
 
United We Santa!

I love history. I grew up in New England surrounded by the Revolutionary War. Then I became fascinated by the men and women who got us through World War Two. And then I moved to Seattle and discovered the most interesting city in the country, Seattle.

Here in Seattle we have the largest collection of Romanesque Revival buildings anywhere in the world, and it's all because of one man that you've never heard of- Elmer Fisher. 

Elmer Fisher was born in Edinburgh, Scotland (or so he said) and came to the US as a young man. He worked his way across the country as a mechanic, cabinet maker, sash maker, band sawyer, carpenter and building contractor. In 1886 and 1887, he designed and built buildings in Victoria, BC and Port Townsend, WA, several of which still stand today, like this modest little guy-

But then he moved to Seattle, which he thought would be the next Big City in the Northwest. He started an architectural business and on June 6th, 1889, the Greatest Thing Ever happened! The entire business district burnt to the ground! Nobody died, but the timing couldn't have been better. 

Seattle was a mess. It was built on a tidal flat and twice a day it would flood. The streets were covered with sawdust and the buildings were slapped together with wood. 

But Seattle was a lumber town and San Francisco kept burning down and they kept rebuilding out of wood, so Seattle had a shitload of money. And Elmer Fisher was ready. The first newspaper after the Fire had a bid ad on the front that said- 

Elmer Fisher, Architect!   

He talked about all of his experience, how he had graduated from the greatest architectural college and worked in the finest architectural firms, and he got the jobs to design 54 buildings, HALF of all the buildings built directly after the fire. 

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My favorite building is the Pioneer Building.

It's got a huge skylight and original elevators and was built for Henry Yesler on the site of the sawmill that built Seattle. 

The Pioneer Building was named the Finest Building West of Chicago after it was built by the American Institute of Architecture. 

He also built the Hotel Seattle, which was named the finest hotel on the West Coast. It was torn down in the early early 60's and replaced by the Sinking Ship parking garage- 

When I stand in the middle of Pioneer Square I'm constantly amazed that these beautiful original buildings were built in less than two years. Elmer chose a style called Richardsonian Romanesque Rivival and the other dozen or so architects copied the style. It is the largest collection of Romanesque Revival buildings anywhere in the world. And not only did Elmer and his team of draftsmen design these buildings, he oversaw their construction- over fifty buildings, that all went up in less than a year and a half!

Well, they looked into it a couple of years after he died and they discovered that Elmer Fisher never went to college and never worked for any architectural firms. But he's responsible for over half of the buildings in Pioneer Square, including the Finest Building West of Chicago! All built by a guy that never went to college!

As somebody with bipolar disorder, I see manic depression in people who may or may not have had it. Maybe Elmer was manic depressive, maybe he wasn't. He had many different jobs in his relatively short life, architect being only one. At the height of his success, an old lover accused him of being her lover, basically, and his career and reputation were ruined. On a whim, he went up to the Klondike to strike it rich and then down to LA to be an office manager. 

He essentially created Pioneer Square and few people have even heard of him. I can imagine him panning for gold in the Klondike, telling somebody about how he rebuilt Seattle after the Fire. And maybe rambling on about whatever his latest interest was, and other prospectors thinking, 'Man, what a nut!'